Gratitude

It's been over two months since Olivia had her laryngeal cleft repair.  Each day she seems to learn something new!  She is currently able to drink liquids that are 40% thinner than before, and we often catch her "stealing" drinks from Christian and Julia....which she no longer coughs and chokes while drinking!  It's amazing!  Although it has not yet been confirmed, I am very confident that this surgery "fixed" Olivia!

2/24/10...BABY DAY!

Its ironic, you get pregnant, feel the joy of adding another baby to your family, and usually the thought never crosses your mind as to what actually may be in store for you.  Having two easy, completely normal pregnancies made me take healthy children for granted.  I remember leaving my ultrasound with Olivia so upset that they could not determine her gender...literally almost crying.  OVER HER GENDER?  Later I felt awful when the doctor told me there may actually be something wrong with her heart, AND that she had the two markers for Down's Syndrome.   And I was worried about gender.  Shallow at best!

Another safe delivery!  Thanks Dr. M!

I remember thinking, another baby, really not a huge expense, I'll nurse, so no formula, and she has plenty of clothes etc from the older kids.    What I didn't think was that Olivia may not be able to nurse because she wouldn't be able to swallow normally, or that she would incur about $6000 out of pocket in medical expenses. (well over $100k was covered by insurance in her first 12 months alone).    Never in my life had I heard of dysphagia, dysphagia induced aspiration, or a laryngeal cleft.  Never had I been inside Children's Hospital as a parent.  Never did I count the number of breaths per minute my baby was taking, debating a trip to an Emergency Room.   If I could have taken all that Olivia has been through, and done it for her, I would have.  No child should ever have to endure countless medical testing, surgeries, etc.

A year ago on August 23rd, 2010 we finally got her official diagnosis.  No it was not Cystic Fibrosis, no, it was not a neurological disorder, no, we did not need genetic testing....as all of these options were once discussed.   Yet, as of this date we did not know the exact cause of her aspiration. I remember Children's sent in a social worker to talk with me because of this sudden admission into the hospital and to help me deal with the stress.  I remember saying to her "This could be worse, she could have something incurable"   Sure, I could have crumbled.  God knows I wanted to.  Yet, Olivia needed me.  My other kids needed me.  I have always been strong.  Having Olivia just made me unbreakable.


Olivia was meant to be my baby.  God's way of teaching me to be less critical, less materialistic, pretty much less of a bitch.  It can't be a coincidence that I was pregnant with my third child who did not survive.  I had said that baby would be named Adriana if  it was a girl.  Instead I got Olivia...or "Liv"  (thanks for pointing this out Julie!)  Liv, very fitting for such a strong little fighter!   Not only that, her middle name, Dianne, is after one of the strongest women I've ever known, my aunt who lost her battle to cancer December 29, 2009.  I know some people will think I'm crazy, but I really feel Dianne has been with Olivia every step of the way, protecting her.   Before I lost a baby, I thought a miscarriage was "not a big deal". I was obnoxiously pro-choice, maybe even pro-abortion.   I think back and cringe at some of the statements I have made.    Now, I realize that miscarriage is a HUGE deal.  Its a devastating, painful occurrence that you never quite get over.  For those who don't know, the necklace I always wear is a forget-me-not flower with the birthstones of my baby's month of conception, month of loss and month he/she would have been born.   I still think women have a right to do as they please with their bodies, but after fighting for a year just to keep my daughter alive, and seeing kids far sicker than Olivia and parents continuing the struggle, I take a whole new appreciation of 'life' even inside the womb.


The whole point of this blog?  A huge thank you, to Olivia.  Thank you for fighting and winning, thank you for making me appreciate Christian and Julia's good health, thank you for making me stronger than I ever thought possible, and thank you for the honor of being your mother. 

Sept 2010

July 2011