Memories

Over the past week Olivia's G-tube site has been red and swollen.  Since yesterday it became considerably worse, draining, swollen, red, and she would SCREAM when I tried to clean it.  Soooo off we went to Boston for a 1 PM appointment with the GI clinic.  Turns out Olivia has a little bit of an infection, which is what I suspected, but of course, my thoughts on the drive in were of all sorts of things that could possibly go wrong.    One bad experience and you are scarred for life, and that brings me to blog about memories.  Its amazing what can trigger memories.    For example, there is a huge sculpture type toy that makes a clicking noise as a ball drops through it in the main lobby of Children's Hospital.  The sound of that clicking noise makes me feel nauseous.  Now, why on Earth would a toy make me nauseous?  Because I will never forget, August 23rd 2010, when I walked back into the hospital with 3 bags, and my diaper bag and purse and not being able to get through security because I wasn't issued a badge yet.  I could hear the "click, click, click"  as I struggled to find my license to prove that yes, my daughter was just admitted and was probably hysterical that I wasn't with her yet.   And when I finally did get up to her room, she had her head on my mother in law's shoulder and a newly placed NG tube in her nose and I just held her and cried saying "I'm so sorry" as if it was my fault.  The poor girl was starving.  They started the tube at 1 oz every HOUR for 24 hours. In the meantime she had been shut off from any other feeding besides pureed foods.  I just cried and cried telling her I was so sorry.  Thank God she will never have memory of such heartache.    So, each and every time I go into Children's Hospital, the sound of the click, click, click, mixed with the smell of the baked goods from Au Bon Pain, and I just want to throw up.

And on the topic of smells....Children's Hospital uses Pampers diapers.  I usually buy Luvs or even Target brand.   For Olivia's birthday, my mother in law bought Olivia a big box of Pampers (among other things)  as soon as I put the first one on her, the whole experience came back to me yet AGAIN!  Just the smell of the diaper. And I could smell it all day, with each diaper change.  A very
 light scent that no one else could probably notice, but to me, it was making me crazy.  Thankfully, Ive adjusted to it, and I'm fine now. Unlike the sounds.

August 23rd, 2010.  Quite possibly the scariest day of my life.  Twenty-eight years and there had never been a time I had ever felt so helpless and scared.   I'm a strong person, I can get through things, and point proven, I did.  But I'll admit it, I have never been more scared in my life.    I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I wasn't strong!  I guess the saying is true, God never gives you more than you can handle.